Last weeks bleed had stopped by Tuesday evening.  I was feeling more optimistic and hopeful toward the end of the week.  Perhaps there was still a chance, a strong one, that everything would be ok.  Last night it started again.  And a little more this morning. 

I also had a scan booked this morning at the Early Pregnancy Unit, and I was dreading it.  I woke shortly before five this morning – my morning wake up times seem to be getting earlier and earlier lately, and prayed that whatever happened and whatever showed that I’d be strong enough to deal with it.

After the school run I dropped off Eddie and Sid to my friend who had very kindly offered to look after them while I attended my appointment.  Paddy and I set off to the hospital and after a short wait we were called in.  A quick run down of my history and I was on the couch, very tense and very scared.  As the sonographer looked on the screen I knew all wasn’t well.  She could see the sac, and the bleed around it but no baby.  No baby, no heartbeat, it was empty of life.  She tried to reassure me that it could be that my dates were incorrect and recommended I came back for another scan next Wednesday.  And then she rested her hand on my arm and told me very gently that it was likely I will miscarry again before then.

She asked me if I had been referred and was a little taken aback when I told her that nobody wanted to help us.  She said I ought to go to another GP, but when I told her it was the hospital’s own doctor who didn’t want to help she was speechless.   I asked her if she didn’t agree that I should be offered the same care as anyone else no matter how many children they had and she silently looked at me.  She then handed me my appointment on a scrap of paper and said she’d see me next week.

I am so upset.  I am praying for a miracle, that maybe everything might be alright.  I am praying for strength to get through whatever is going to happen and I am praying for understanding, because try as I might I still do not understand why an abortion is so easy for medics to arrange while help in creating or preventing the loss of a life is solely their decision to make as far as they’re concerned.